what a difference a year makes...

A year ago I was on the brink if turning 30 years old. A year ago many lives were different. Mine was about the same. I woke up, went to work, came home, played with the dogs then went to sleep just to wake up & do it all over again. Life passes you by when you block the world out. My life is filled with acquaintances kept at arms length. Why? Who knows...for fear of being hurt, let down, lied to, cared for, loved. You name it, it's not easy to handle. I have a hard time letting many people in to my close circle.

They say death can bring people closer. But in my case is doesn't. Death is never easy for anyone obviously. The few deaths in my family that have effected me the most have been my grandmother & my great aunt. At their funerals I was surrounded by people I had never known or only knew me by name & only as a baby . These 2 women were the most influential people in my life other than my own mother. I have a very hard time being there for others during hard times like those because I never had any friend to truly lean on during those hard times myself. Yes I'm sure it was partly my fault for not ever reaching out more but sometimes a true friend just knows they need to show up unannounced & just sit with you for a while in silence. It's the best thing any friend can do. I use humor as a defense mechanism like so many people but there comes a time when you have to turn it off & just be there in the moment with your friend who needs you. I say this but I've never done this myself & I hate myself for that. To have a friend you must be a friend. I have not been the best in that department. But then again, it goes back to letting my guard down enough to let people into my world.

A year ago someone's father was still alive, someone's daughter was just learning to walk & an old friend's mother was winning a remarkable battle against all odds. As of today all three of those beautiful lives have been lost. Death by cancer to my dearest friend's father & the same cancer took the life of the other friend's mom despite her amazing battle against it. As for the little 11 & half month old bundle of joy with so much still in store for her life, she was taken far too soon by a truly horrific car accident. During all the above, I sat as a bystander as devastation hit these families. It's never that I don't want to reach out, but in this day & age, with the world of social medial swarming 24/7 it's hard to come across as someone who genuinely cares. I have spent my entire life as a hopeless romantic. Time & time again, I fall in love with the unrealistic world of happy endings. Not to be confused with the gone too soon TV show Happy Endings (check it out, hilarious comedy with amazing quick witted writing)Is it too much to ask that life happen according to romantic comedies. "Love like the movies...they make it look so perfect. But real life is more than just 2 hours long. So we can't be in love like the movies" right, Avett Bros?! I never felt I was ever bullied as a kid by anyone. Except by some of those Camey kids but even then they weren't that mean & it was mostly just my older bro's friends. They wouldn't actually pick on me though cuz they knew my dad & he would kick their asses. But bulling comes in different forms for different people. Like me, I was raised with 2 older brothers so you had to always be on your game when it came to them. You had to be able to play home run derby with the best of the neighborhood & you had to have an understanding that when it's 3 young kids against one older brother in a game of kick ball, he got infinite ghost runners & you never questioned it. Then came the horrid tale of crushes & young love. I remember making fun of my oldest brother when I found out he had a crush on a some girl named Lindsay. I remember being the annoying younger sister & getting on the phone while he talked to her & making fun of him. He proceeded to try & beat the crap outta me so that ended my involvement in his love life from there on out. I even kept my mouth shut when he & a girl named Jamie came to pick me up in 8th grade to go see the Olympic torch make it's way thru Smithville. That girl would later become his wife, but I refused to hound him about his interaction with her for fear of a beatdown. Growning up, I had a fear of ever telling friends when I had crush on a boy. I always thought they't make fun of me. Sure enough, when I did tell someone I had a crush on a classmate,they made fun of me so I did my best to back off that crush. He soon went on to date a friend of mine & they eventually go married & now have 2 kids together. What I've come to realized is that everyone else seems to get their happy endings. I know that in reality, no one's life is truly perfect but at least they didn't seem to hold back at the things they seeked with their hearts.

Feeling sorry for myself

There aren't many days where I feel sorry for myself but today has been one of those days. For no particular reason, it's been a hard day. Things have hit me all at once lately. I've had a realization that as much as I don't think I'm alone in this walk of life, I know I am. In general, yes I do have an amazing family & friends surrounding me. If faith is factored in, perhaps there's a God on my side as well. But the hard part is being alone on a day to day basis. Coming home each night to an empty apartment. There's no one there to ask how my day went or just check in to see how I am. Or anyone curious enough to just want to know what I'm up to at any given moment. Friends don't call or text much. I'll go a whole week without talking to my family who lives just down the road. Even co-workers have moved on & don't ask me to hang out outside work lately. I have a life full of acquaintances but no true close friends any more. Everyone has moved on & done great things in their lives. I've been stagnant for years now. I used to be the one who kept in touch with everyone but after I was burned by a few good friends who dropped me all at once, I've found it hard to trust people with my heart so I keep my distance from others. What I wouldn't give for a guy to just sit & hold my hand for a while to show he cared. Such a minimal thing. There's a great line in a song that goes "I'd give a $100 to get a letter, if at the bottom it said 'I miss you back'." I'd love for someone to care that much about me. Luckily I have a dog now. He's pretty awesome & wants to be by my side all the time but that's just not the same has human companionship.

Six, pick up sticks

I've had some really randomly vivid dreams the past few nights. They've all been related to current situations & people in my life. Details not to follow but in a few of the dreams issues were resolved. I'm sure in real time these things could happen but it will be very unlikely to do so at this point. Dreams are the escape from reality until reality butts into them. However, wishful thinking about silly dreams is a waste of time. One must move on...from dreams & certain realities.

Today's song: These Days by The Foo Fighters

Five songs

The following songs keep resurfacing in my life these days.

1. The Cave - Mumford & Sons
2. Taking Chances - Kate Micucci
3. Take Your Time - Fun.
4. Lost In My Mind - The Head And The Heart
5. Falling Slowly - The Swell Season

cuatro qantas

the planning for the best trip of my life is under way. I have always wanted to travel the world. Seven years ago I got a pass port for the first time. I had every intention of going to visit a friend one summer in the Philippians. Things never panned out. My pass port still remains stampless to this day. I do not want it to be like that forever. This year I hope to change that.

three's a crowd...

I might be a little too sentimental or more emotional than other people but I shouldn't feel guilty or stupid for being like that. At least I have a heart & not an ice cube for a soul.

de dos diaś

Every day for the past 6 months at least, I've dreaded going to work. I can not pin point the reason but my attitude has been all wrong. I think I've tried to convince myself for the past 4 yrs that I have chosen the right career path again. There are moments I absolutely love my job but most days it frustrates me. But what makes me different than anyone else? Nothing. I know not everyone loves what they do for a living but they try to make the best of it. That is what I will try to do for now. Accept the position I'm in & make the best of it. Today I put myself in a position of negotiation with my boss...for now I just wait to see how he responds. If all goes according to plan, then great! If not, I'll be heading in a different direction. The waiting game begins....