what a difference a year makes...

A year ago I was on the brink if turning 30 years old. A year ago many lives were different. Mine was about the same. I woke up, went to work, came home, played with the dogs then went to sleep just to wake up & do it all over again. Life passes you by when you block the world out. My life is filled with acquaintances kept at arms length. Why? Who knows...for fear of being hurt, let down, lied to, cared for, loved. You name it, it's not easy to handle. I have a hard time letting many people in to my close circle.

They say death can bring people closer. But in my case is doesn't. Death is never easy for anyone obviously. The few deaths in my family that have effected me the most have been my grandmother & my great aunt. At their funerals I was surrounded by people I had never known or only knew me by name & only as a baby . These 2 women were the most influential people in my life other than my own mother. I have a very hard time being there for others during hard times like those because I never had any friend to truly lean on during those hard times myself. Yes I'm sure it was partly my fault for not ever reaching out more but sometimes a true friend just knows they need to show up unannounced & just sit with you for a while in silence. It's the best thing any friend can do. I use humor as a defense mechanism like so many people but there comes a time when you have to turn it off & just be there in the moment with your friend who needs you. I say this but I've never done this myself & I hate myself for that. To have a friend you must be a friend. I have not been the best in that department. But then again, it goes back to letting my guard down enough to let people into my world.

A year ago someone's father was still alive, someone's daughter was just learning to walk & an old friend's mother was winning a remarkable battle against all odds. As of today all three of those beautiful lives have been lost. Death by cancer to my dearest friend's father & the same cancer took the life of the other friend's mom despite her amazing battle against it. As for the little 11 & half month old bundle of joy with so much still in store for her life, she was taken far too soon by a truly horrific car accident. During all the above, I sat as a bystander as devastation hit these families. It's never that I don't want to reach out, but in this day & age, with the world of social medial swarming 24/7 it's hard to come across as someone who genuinely cares. I have spent my entire life as a hopeless romantic. Time & time again, I fall in love with the unrealistic world of happy endings. Not to be confused with the gone too soon TV show Happy Endings (check it out, hilarious comedy with amazing quick witted writing)Is it too much to ask that life happen according to romantic comedies. "Love like the movies...they make it look so perfect. But real life is more than just 2 hours long. So we can't be in love like the movies" right, Avett Bros?! I never felt I was ever bullied as a kid by anyone. Except by some of those Camey kids but even then they weren't that mean & it was mostly just my older bro's friends. They wouldn't actually pick on me though cuz they knew my dad & he would kick their asses. But bulling comes in different forms for different people. Like me, I was raised with 2 older brothers so you had to always be on your game when it came to them. You had to be able to play home run derby with the best of the neighborhood & you had to have an understanding that when it's 3 young kids against one older brother in a game of kick ball, he got infinite ghost runners & you never questioned it. Then came the horrid tale of crushes & young love. I remember making fun of my oldest brother when I found out he had a crush on a some girl named Lindsay. I remember being the annoying younger sister & getting on the phone while he talked to her & making fun of him. He proceeded to try & beat the crap outta me so that ended my involvement in his love life from there on out. I even kept my mouth shut when he & a girl named Jamie came to pick me up in 8th grade to go see the Olympic torch make it's way thru Smithville. That girl would later become his wife, but I refused to hound him about his interaction with her for fear of a beatdown. Growning up, I had a fear of ever telling friends when I had crush on a boy. I always thought they't make fun of me. Sure enough, when I did tell someone I had a crush on a classmate,they made fun of me so I did my best to back off that crush. He soon went on to date a friend of mine & they eventually go married & now have 2 kids together. What I've come to realized is that everyone else seems to get their happy endings. I know that in reality, no one's life is truly perfect but at least they didn't seem to hold back at the things they seeked with their hearts.